The Composer: Oh, it's a pleasure, Zeke. I always enjoy educating my public. I learn a lot about myself through teaching.

Zeke: You've been at the zenith of your profession for so many years now, but can you think back to a time when you were not quite so famous? What was it like to be you in the early years?

The Composer: Well, Zeke, as you know, success came very early to me. My first attempt at putting pencil to staff paper, at the age of five, won me the Pulitzer Prize. (Editor's note: As the reader surely knows, this is the synagogue cantata "A sock can go on either foot, but the shoe prefers consistency.") The next year I was awarded a MacArthur "Genius Grant," which allowed me to take some time off for deep reflection. It resulted in my first opera, "The Poppyseed!," which I completed the day after I turned six and a half. So you see, Zeke, adulation, reverence, and fame have always been part of my life. Success for me seems to exist in unlimited supply, like junk mail does for ordinary people. However, I can tell you this: Each new piece I write is exponentially better that the last one. And so, if my first piece was only twice as good as any other contemporary piece, my current pieces are many millions of times better than anything anyone is writing today. I feel badly for setting the bar so high, but then again, if not me, then who? I guess I will have some interesting conversations about the topic with Beethoven when we meet in the big concert hall in the sky.

Zeke: That's fascinating!

The Composer: Yes.

Zeke: Tell us, sir, who are your influences?

The Composer: That's a wonderful question, Zeke, yes, thank you. I have many influences, and I admire many composers. I bestow them with he same warm affection and gratitude that I grant my pet goldfish. After all, both have scales on their mind, and both may impress with an occasional elegant turn of the tail or of the musical phrase, as the case may be. Still, at the end of the day, both are small minded and rather slimy. Having said that, I can state that of the old guard I respect Belo Bartok despite the paucity of his imagination, Benjamin Bitten in spite of his sluggish musical intellect, Salvador Barber even though he utterly lacks lyricism, and I even enjoy Aaron Copeland's overwrought and dense musical utterances. Of my peers, John Adams has elicited an appreciative raised eyebrow from me, but certainly not for his handling of the orchestra! And Thomas Ades, who tries the hardest to match my prodigious musical talent, once quickened my pulse slightly despite his neanderthal conception of rhythm.

Zeke: Tell us, do you still write your own music?

The Composer: (looks at Zeke dismissively, as if he were a fly)

Zeke: I mean, tell us, sir, do you still write your own music?

The Composer: Fantastic, Zeke, of course, that is an interesting question indeed! No, I do not. I find that keeping abreast of cultural changes in the American landscape occupies all my time. I monitor the status of society by watching TV about 13 hours a day, and I find this keeps my mind fresh and my spirit in touch with what the public wants. It also allows me to deduct my TV and couch as business expenses come April 14th. The actual music is now written exclusively by my two assistants, Calvin and The Babyman. They are very talented, and although they're both prone to napping frequently and shedding, they do produce some raw material that is really quite good. My role is to glance at what they do and offer helpful advice like: "that's all you have?," "this is terrible," and "that G looks like it could be an A, watch your penmanship!" Basically, it's the same kind of advice I used to give my students.

Zeke: Speaking of students, no doubt many of your fans would love to know what advice you may have for young aspiring composers?

The Composer: Zeke, the best advice I can give is this: Don't quit your day job.

Zeke: (smiles at the composer with admiration)

The Composer: (looks at his watch, then at Zeke)

Zeke: (scratches his nose)

The Composer: You have a poppy seed stuck in your teeth...